Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
