Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
🤝
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
