Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
My brain is a bad influence on me
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
