Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.