Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

Zack Greinke stories are the best

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.