Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

Me when my alarm goes off

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

when you order from DoorDastardly

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

*launders Kohls cash*

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.