Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

omg leave her alone

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Worth remembering.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.