Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not lazy

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?