Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

You Might Also Like


The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.


I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”


when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit


“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism


I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:

1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.


Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.


Oh you’re in the shower? Here’s the seven worst songs from your playlist.

– shuffle mode


With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.


[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”