Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: