@English_Channel

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

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@yenniwhite

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@PetrickSara

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

@drinksmcgee

I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:

1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.

@juliussharpe

Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.

@kcmoore51

Oh you’re in the shower? Here’s the seven worst songs from your playlist.

– shuffle mode

@girl_a_whirl

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

@david8hughes

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”