Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

I’M CRYINGGG

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric