Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?