Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

I can also cook 😂

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

make up your mind

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?