don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
me after i passed that state trooper
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”