don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Growing up was a huge mistake
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
jesus, what did this guy do
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Received some very disappointing news today
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.