Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

Art by Pastelkatto

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

never ask a starfish for directions