don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Doormats are a gateway rug.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
How high do the levels go?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”