don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.