Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

I love you…

…r dog.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games