Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped