“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
Something Saturday.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.