Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th