Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

A leaf blower, but for people.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist