Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.