Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

Yup

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

seems like a niche market

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats