Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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Life cycle of cat
HELP 😭
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
ok this is my dumbest yet
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.