Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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I’ve had worse
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.