Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
termite twitter scares me
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”