Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

😜

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party