Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.