Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
You Might Also Like
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Am I having a stroke?
