@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

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@Sarcasticsapien

I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.

@SummerSongGirl

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

@paigeofmylife2

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

@AnnietheNanny1

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

@StephenKing

Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.

@notmythirdrodeo

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

@mrjohndarby

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down