Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”


My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.


People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.


6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep


Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?


I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.


me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave


My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…