70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
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It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…