Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
You Might Also Like
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?