Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
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“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I missed you with all my darts
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield