Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay