Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”