Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Don’t talk down to me

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

Someone just threatened to call me later

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*