Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.