Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.