Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
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whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Finally!
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Squirrels before girls.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Hmm, not sure about this change
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.