Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”