Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
What flavor cupcake are these
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary