Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

not to brag, but mine was free

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

The prophecy is fulfilled

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things