Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.