Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

ㅤ

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Never deleting this app.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache