don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
You Might Also Like
I can also cook 😂
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?