Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

I just stopped by to water my horse.

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.