Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards