Dont lie about your job, just word it better.

Ex: “I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp”
“I cashier at KFC”

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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know


If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink

What’s the point of them having a cell phone


Autocorrect changed “romance” to “necromance” and now my tinder date is a woman who died 40 years ago.


Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?


The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.


cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil


me: i’ve been hearing voices



psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist


How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?