[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.