Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Dont lie about your job, just word it better.
Ex: “I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp”
“I cashier at KFC”
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If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink
What’s the point of them having a cell phone
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Autocorrect changed “romance” to “necromance” and now my tinder date is a woman who died 40 years ago.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I feel personally attacked
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?