Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??