don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
You Might Also Like
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted