don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Baking is just science you can eat.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
that de-escalated quickly
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.