Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
❤️🦆
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.