Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

We need to put an American base on the sun

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes