Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
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[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Monica just destroyed the internet
