Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

This hospital has everything

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

💻🤡

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…