Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
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My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.