Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
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shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.