[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Ok but actually
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Sending in my taxes
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”