Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“How’s your day going?”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
The struggle is real
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Morning all.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Get in loser we’re going crying
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Always the vampires
