Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”