Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh