Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
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[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
absolutely not
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Nothing.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.