Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Saw online –
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
You sure about that?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
LA today:
