Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Check your privilege
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.