Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
You Might Also Like
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
