Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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Sooo many times…..
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
We know he can swim but…
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
it takes so much energy
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
23. the denim jacket
