Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”