“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more