“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
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POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
🤣😈🤣
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Awesome parenting 😂
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.