Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.