don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.