don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
One of the best
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants