don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect is my menesis
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.