Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.