Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
that’s really how it is
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin