Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“Why you watching this shit?”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.