Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*