Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky