Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

A bold strategy

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too