Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

There is no “we” in pizza