Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.