Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

learning about math 🧐 📝

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

🙂🙃🥹

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants