Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

This did not end as expected.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news