Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it