Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

finally

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

why am I working on Labor Day

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay